Empathy is about guessing (and why it’s your best tool for problem behaviors)

January 25, 2020 Benjamin Wall

In this post, I’m going to attempt to explain why empathy is one of the most important tools you have as a parent. I’ll also teach you how to use it!

I’m going to discuss:

What empathy is.
How to use it correctly (which might look different than how you think looks).
What kids are looking for when they escalate in their “attention-seeking,” or negative behaviors.
The secret sauce - using it to stop these negative behaviors (you know, the tantrums, hitting, whining, etc.) while giving your kid what they really need.

what is empathy?

All right, here we go! I’m betting that you have heard of empathy. At least you may have heard of the word, but not had it explained. We (those of us in the helping field) talk a lot about empathy. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but “empathy” is now a word that is firmly available for widespread use, sometimes in very interesting places. I recently read about an entrepreneur in the tech/media world that started a wine label, and he called it “Empathy.”

You may have heard this word being used to instruct people, saying things like, “be more empathetic.” It may have also come out of your mouth as, “have some empathy.” This kind of statement happens because it is generally understood that having empathy is a good thing; the epitome of caring and kindness and positive feelings - while not having empathy is bad. It is the opposite of the kindness and positivity; it is callous, heartless, not caring, and in worst cases - not loving at all.

I think that these kinds of widespread understandings about empathy are important, but a little one dimensional, and a little too emotional.

I’m going to try and talk a bit differently about empathy, because if you think that being empathetic is just being kind, you are going to have a difficult time executing the real thing. If you’re really just attempting to be positive and kind, you won’t get the results you want with your kid.

I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EMPATHY AS A SKILL THAT YOU CAN LEARN. INSTEAD OF THINKING ABOUT EMPATHY AS A WARM FUZZY CLOUD OF POSITIVE FEELINGS, I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EMPATHY IN TERMS OF ACCURACY.

Empathy is about guessing other people’s feelings, and how accurate your guess is determines how successfully you are being empathetic.

Let me give you an example of what this does NOT look like. You hear a scream from the next room, and suddenly your darling 5 year old runs in (let’s call her Sally), tears streaming down her face:

You: “What happened?”

Sally: “I was looking for my Mr. Potato Head and couldn’t find it and then I stubbed my toe on the bed” (sniffle).

You: “I’m so sorry, let me help you find it!”

Before I get into why this is not an empathetic response, let me say that there is nothing wrong with this response by itself. It’s not bad, it’s just not about how Sally is feeling and experiencing what just happened. Sally might want you to come help her, but she also might want someone to just acknowledge and understand the experience she is having.

so how do we actually use it correctly?

Let’s try this again:

You: “What happened?”

Sally: “I was looking for my Mr. Potato Head and couldn’t find it and then I stubbed my toe on the bed” (sniffle).

You: “Oh man! It’s frustrating when you’ve lost something. You love that toy, I bet you are worried you might never find it.”

See that? In the second part, the parent is not doing anything other than trying to name Sally’s feelings. That is empathy.

Why should you care? Because empathy is an important skill to use in the sequence of relational events that build close connections. It does this by communicating understanding. It says, “this person [who is using empathy] understands me, so now I can trust them more.”

When you accurately identify the feelings of another person, (any person, in any situation, but especially people that are hurting or have just had a negative experience) it lets them know that you not only understand, but, when done well, it goes a step further and validates and accepts the other person’s experience.

If “understanding” is to take a picture of an emotion, then “validation and acceptance” is to put that picture up on the wall and proudly tell every guest in your houses about it.

All of that happens with accurate, well-timed empathy. It is the best way to reach inside of another human and sooth the hurt they feel.

TO SEE, IDENTIFY, AND CORRECTLY COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN IS THE DEFINITION OF ACCEPTANCE.

To receive empathy is to receive love, and even healing. It is an experience that is valued in relationships, and paid for from professionals when the normal supports are not enough.

The more accurate the empathetic statements are that a person uses, the more acceptance and validation is felt.

what exactly is my kid looking for from me?

This is all doubly important when we are talking about kids, and their behaviors.

Have you ever heard this phrase that adults use to talk about kids: “they’re just doing it for attention”? It’s typically used in a dismissive kind of way, but that’s basically how I want you to think about kid behavior (especially problem behaviors).

Kids are constantly trying (in the best way they know how), to communicate about what they are experiencing. “Doing it for attention,” can be an accurate statement.

They are trying to let us know that something is going on, that they have a need to be met. Escalations in those behaviors (when they become more intense, more frequent, or start happening in more places) means that they are still sending out that message, still trying desperately to have that need met, and are looking for a response and some help from those around them.

THEY ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, AND TO BE THERE WITH THEM. THEY ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND.

Your ability to communicate validation and understanding is directly related to their need for “attention.” This is why empathy is an important crisis skill - it allows the person in crisis to feel that they can stop communicating about their pain - because you see their pain and can help.

That’s empathy. Guessing at someone else’s experience and then letting that person know, accurately, that you get it.

what about this “secret sauce”?

Now let’s talk about how to use empathy, and why. I’m going to limit my examples to parenting, but I want you to know, dear reader, that the topic of empathy is large and expansive, and can be applied in all sorts of situations in which there are people talking to each other in relationship. I have been very specific, and will continue to talk about a very tactical application of empathy when it comes to parents communicating with their kids, but please, use your imagination as to other places you might apply this skill.

There is no wrong situation to use empathetic statements. “You must be so proud of that,” “you seem happy,” “you love watching that,” are all examples of how you can name your kids emotions in very positive ways, and in presumably positive situations.

Using empathy really shines though, when things are not so positive, when there is conflict and especially when behaviors start to escalate.

Accurate empathy is your best tool for a response to problem behaviors.

WHEN YOUR KID IS CRYING AND WON’T TELL YOU WHY, WHEN THEY IGNORE YOU, WON’T STOP HITTING/BITING/PUSHING, OR ARE GETTING JUST PLAIN ANNOYING - THAT’S THE TIME FOR EMPATHY.

If you have spent any time with kids at all, you know that they typically do not have a problem getting our attention. Especially when those little love bugs figure out that mom and dad are really, really attracted to loud noises, they will learn very quickly that standing next to you and saying “mom….mom…mom….mom” is not as effective as standing next to you and yelling “MOM! MOM!! MOOOOOMMMMMM! MOM!!!!”

They will not stop until they have made their point, and you have heard them, and (typically) given them what they are looking for.

Problem behaviors are just like that. They will not stop until their mission has been accomplished. By using accurate empathy, you can stop them from getting worse. You can stop the tantrum, the crying, the aggression, the whining, lots of things (things that have been happening for minutes, or days) if you can be empathetic.

examples of empathetic statements:

“Your sister pushed you and that was was frustrating. You really wanted to push her back.”
“You are mad that we have to leave the library, you love playing here.”
“Oh man. It made you sad when I didn’t hear you talking about your drawing.”
“Are you frustrated that we had to leave your friend’s house? You were having so much fun.”
“You really missed me when I was at work - it feels like I just got home and we already have to stop playing and get ready for bed.”

Just note that empathy takes practice! The more you practice it with your kids, the more accurate you’ll get at communicating your understanding and acceptance.

Empathy is not a cure all, and should always happen with other positive things inside of a home, but it is essential. You will be amazed by how much the right phrase can help a child relax, and how much easier your life will be when they live in the knowledge that they are understood, and accepted.

Ashland Family Counseling