Preparing your family for a new sibling (8 ways to get ready for baby)

January 25, 2020 Benjamin Wall

Congratulations! You have once again seen those two pink lines and are gearing yourself up to feel all of the different kinds of tired for the next 9 months! Lucky you!

Except this time, you’ll have even more things to do because the butt(s) you are already wiping belonging to the last kid(s) you had are still unable to perform this task themselves.

Multiple siblings present many super fun challenges for families. This post is about how to handle the impact that the glorious, heavenly event of birthing a child will have on your family (wait, did you not hear angels last time?).

Things are changing, and everybody feels it. It’s an emotional roller coaster; a gigantic shift in the makeup of your family, and the attention that you had to give is now divided between even more people.

Things are going to be different, but I’m going to give you a sneak peek into why it’s hard for your older kids, and give you some techniques that you can use to make this transition just a little smoother.

preparing your child for a new baby

Ok, so maybe talking about why this is hard for you older kids is not needed. It’s hard because things are changing.

Let’s go a bit further though, because the better you understand what they are experiencing, the more successful you will be in coming up with ways to help them adjust.

Something is happening to you: You, Mom, are a big deal. Like, really, really important. And you are changing. Your body is, your emotions, your availability. Maybe you’re sick and nauseous, maybe so sick you can’t move (my wife’s experience).
Maybe you’re feeling the run-down exhaustion that comes from growing a tiny human skeleton.
How impacted you are by pregnancy might change from day to day, but something big is happening to you and it is limiting your abilities and changing how you act and react. Your kids are very aware, and want to make sure that you are ok.
Something is happening to the family: You only have so many minutes in the day. So far, your kids have gotten used to how many of your minutes are given to them, in the form of attention. But now, there is something else that is taking away those minutes, and they feel it, and are not sure when it’s going to stop.
Part of them still wants and needs the old amount of attention, and they are having a hard time letting go.
Something is happening to the house: Baby needs a space. This might look like an actual room getting changed, or maybe just new furniture getting put into an old space, but the environment is changing.

All these things impact your kid. They are experiencing complex emotions because of what is happening. Those feelings are going to turn into behaviors.

They may be clingy, they may be more aggressive, or have a shorter fuse than normal. They may be extra whiney, or have even longer and more severe tantrums than usual. They may regress (take some steps backward from milestones they had already mastered).

All of what they normally do gets a little heightened and louder.

SEE THIS AS THEIR ATTEMPTS TO GET RID OF AND ADDRESS THE ICKY, UNSURE FEELINGS THEY ARE HAVING, AND IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL.

Being pregnant is a big deal, and I’m sure you’ve got lots of feelings about what is going on, too.

Preparing your existing kids for your new baby is about helping them address those feelings.

There are a couple of ways you can help them, but please understand – you are not going to entirely shield your kid from this disruption.

Your job is helping them ride it out, and reassure them that just because things are changing, they will still be taken care of, connected to you, and part of the family.

sibling activities for before and after

8 things that you can do leading up to and after the newest member of your tribe comes home:

BEFORE THE BIG EVENT:

Get your kids involved in the prep: You’ll hear me come back to this theme over and over, but instead of letting the baby and your pregnancy be something that is happening to your kid, make it something that they are involved with.
This can be done in a variety of ways, but could include having them organize baby’s clothes, deciding where to put the diapers, and what toys the baby might like to have out. If you can give them some kind of job to do, they will feel like they are helping and are more in control.
Talk about the baby: You all know it’s happening. Bringing it up is not going to remind your kid that you are with child. Don’t ignore it. Instead, let the baby be the explanation for the changes that are going on.
Expose them to other babies: “Oh, look at that baby! That’s what is growing in mommy’s tummy! No, stop feeding it, it’s not ours.”
Take them to your appointments. This might not work for everyone, given your schedules and other limitations, but in our house, Mommy getting a prenatal checkup is a big deal.
Our oldest loves to hear the heartbeat, and be close to her mom while the midwife takes her blood pressure, feels for baby’s position, etc.
Talk to the baby: The pregnancy classic. You might be talking to your belly, but don’t forget to invite you kids to as well.
Side note: I might ruffle a few feathers with this one, but it can be really helpful for your older kids to know whether you’re having a boy or a girl, and what their name is. This might not be possible, but it can help your older child bond with the baby before they arrive and take away some of the mystery. It can be easier for them to wrap their head around the idea if they know that new baby sister Penny will be here soon
AFTER THE BLESSED EVENT:
Give your kids jobs to do, if they’re up for it: Don’t force them to help with the baby, but if you can frame it as “you’re such a big helper,” they might actually get excited about it.
Grabbing diapers for you, spit up rags, gently petting the baby’s head to calm her down, getting you water, etc. If it’s easy for them, put them in charge.
Ask for your kid’s advice: “Oh gosh, [enter older child’s name here], baby is really upset! What do you think we should do? I was thinking about getting some wine too, that’s such a good suggestion!”
*another side note: our kids have always had an almost eerie ability to know exactly what the baby needs. I’m just sayin’.
Talk to the baby about their siblings: No, this is not for your baby’s sake. But your older ones will hear you tell the baby about them, and is a great chance to say things like, “I am going to go read a book with your big sister” or, “your big brother is such a helper.”

Whatever you end up doing, your job is to reassure your kids that you have not forgotten about them, and give them the experience of being involved. Make time to do things that you always used to.

Focus on quality interactions (things that are just about them and something they want to do) instead of quantity. Listen, and be empathetic - agree with them. Even when things might get a bit hostile toward baby.

jealous siblings

“IT WAS SO NICE WHEN IT WAS JUST THE THREE OF US, WASN’T IT? YOU, ME, AND DADDY.”

One thing that’s happened in our house after we’ve had babies was frequent requests from our oldest to have the newest baby go back in mommy’s tummy.

Every time, we said, “Yeah, that would be nice. Babies are loud and need a lot of things. It’s easier when they’re in mommy’s tummy,” or, “It was so nice when it was just the three of us, wasn’t it? You, me, and Daddy.”

As much as we prepared her, gave her jobs, talked to her, and as much as she was (and is) genuinely excited to be a big sister, it was still hard for her. She still wished that things could go back to the way they were.

The anticipation from the buildup went away and she was less reactive, less argumentative, and was now just in a hurry to get back to her playing. She wanted Mommy’s attention for her endless stories, and to simply be a kid in the same way that she had been a kid just weeks ago.

IT WASN’T AN OPTION FOR THINGS TO GO COMPLETELY BACK TO “NORMAL.” SO, SHE OPENLY REQUESTED THAT BABY LEAVE. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

You will not make it easier by giving her a hard time about wanting things to go back to the way they were.

Don’t tell her that things are better now, or that things are going to be ok. Don’t point out to her how much she loves the new baby, or all the time you still spend listening to her stories, and don’t make promises or plans too quickly when she complains.

Just agree. For that moment, for that feeling, accept it, and let her know that you see it.

This is the emotional work of being a parent of older kids. You will do everything you can, but they are the ones that are going to have to do their own work of making the adjustment.

Get them involved, express your love for them, and then accept it when they aren’t quite feeling the love that you have for the new baby, or their new family.

It is going to be hard. Your kid’s problems are not math problems that can be solved, and these techniques do not fix things. Nothing is broken. Your kids are just growing up.

you get to miss your old family too

As parents, not only have we seen our oldest daughter make this transition (twice so far), we’ve had to make adjustments ourselves.

We added a third baby a little over a year ago, and it was hard for us too. We weren’t sure how our new family would look, and we worried that we wouldn’t have the time to give to our other kids, or to have time for ourselves and each other.

I honestly never even thought about what it would be like to have a newborn in the house again until she was in my arms because I was so caught up in anticipating the birth and getting things ready.

WE WERE RIGHT. IT WAS JUST LIKE WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. IT WAS HARD, EXHAUSTING, KIND OF SAD, ALL CONSUMING AND NEVER, NEVER STOPPING.

It was also wonderful, and joyful, and is gets more fun all the time as our baby grows, and interacts, and laughs.

There are whole new relationships now in our house, and our girls get to have a new person in their life. Our family is fuller and richer now than it was because of this baby and how she brings out different parts of all of us.

We do get to spend time with our other kids as well. I was getting some random story about some bug they saw like 15 minutes after baby was out.

We did have to say good bye to how things used to be, and the transition into the new normal of a growing family is not easy. But it does become normal, and it will for your kids as well.

They will adjust and adapt, and will have an easier time because you have been intentional about including them, reassuring them, and holding their hand as you grow into your new family at the same time.

Ashland Family Counseling