If you're too angry to read this, you're too angry to parent

November 22, 2019 Benjamin Wall

PART ONE:

Your kids are not listening AGAIN. They have no idea how much you do for them, they just seem to freak out and scream and throw their toys around day after day after day.

You hate yelling at them, but sometimes it just comes out after the fifth time you told them to do that thing, and on top of that, your spouse was totally rude to you this morning!!

Breathe.

But seriously, what the heck! They did that on purpose.

She's trying to piss you off and knows that you hate it when she does that.

You just yelled at them for that exact thing 10 minutes ago, so no, they did not forget.

Breathe. Again.

I mean, they can be really sweet to each other, but holy cow where is this anger coming from?!

It's vicious, and the screaming! Why can't they just chill the hell out!? It's not that big of a deal!

Once more...BREATHE...hold it. Good. Things are slowing down.

They're quiet now, (for the first time all flipping day) but they'll do it again.

You are not a punching bag, or wind up toy. They might have been a bit bored or disappointed that you didn't play with them, but it’s not ok that they treat you like that.

Breathe again. You're coming back.

Breathe four times - each time take a count of four to breathe in, hold for a count of four, then count to four as your breathe out.

Breathe one, two, three, four. Hold it, one, two, three four. Breathe out - one, two, three four.

Here is the plan: You have to go clean up, and get the things ready for the next part of your day, and they might not even help, cause they sometimes don't, but it's ok because at the very least, you read this.

You took a step back, grabbed some air, and when you dive back in you'll know that you did this, and that you will keep trying, today, tomorrow, and ever after.

Breathe. Once more. Go.

PART TWO:

All parents (really, all humans) have some idea about what it is like to become angry. We know what will make us angry, and if we are parents, we have ample examples of things that our kids have done recently that have gotten us to the point of being mad, frustrated, or just plain pissed off.

One of the things we often don’t acknowledge about anger is how compelling it is, especially when you are in the middle of it.

IT IS A VERY PERSUASIVE KIND OF EXPERIENCE, AND CAN BE ODDLY SATISFYING TO LEAN INTO.

It can be a relief to finally express the tension that results from being angry, to stop holding back the actions that your feelings are driving you to do, to do something (anything!) about what is going on.

Maybe that is yelling, or screaming, or hitting, or breaking something.

Acting out of our anger can feel like scratching an itch.

This doesn’t work when you are parenting.

It is not a helpful emotion when you are trying to respond and encourage growth and maturity in your kids.

In the rest of this post I’m going to talk about why, and then follow up with some practical tips that you can use to avoid parenting angry.

angry parents have expectations

Please allow me to say some words about anger, as an emotion.

Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion, which means that anger is really the result of some other kind of feeling that the person is experiencing.

ANGER IS THE STATE THAT YOUR BODY GETS INTO IN ORDER TO ADDRESS WHATEVER WAS CAUSING THAT FIRST FEELING TO HAPPEN.

The thing is that anger is super-fast, or at least can be. Anger arrives to solve a problem, and doesn’t waste time sending you an email about why it’s there.

As the person feeling angry, you are the one that has to step in and sort out what is happening. It could look like this:

Anger: I’M HERE AND I’M READY!

Parent: Oh my, I’m noticing that I’m starting to feel overcome by anger.

Anger: LET’S BREAK THINGS! BURN IT ALL DOWN AND RUN AWAY!!!

Parent: I see your point, but why, what’s happening?

Anger: YOUR KIDS ARE FREAKING HARD AND NO ONE CARES!!! LET’S DANCE ON THEIR BROKEN TOYS!!!

Parent: That would feel good…and my kids are being really snotty to me…

Anger: MAKE THREATS AND DESTROY THEIR DREAMS AND CRAPPY ART WORK!!!

As you can see, anger is not a helpful explainer. You as the parent have to slow down and ask questions, so you can address the original problem.

In this case, I would guess that the emotion the parent was feeling was really more about being disrespected, which led to feelings of anger.

Having that kind of insight requires pretty advanced steps, and we’ll get there.

Before that, I want to show a more foundational step that you will need to take and master in order to not be controlled by anger.

This step is building awareness.

parental anger management

Noticing when you are starting to become angry can be exactly like noticing that the room is getting warmer.

Lots of times you don’t even feel warm until you are suddenly pulling off your tasteful lightweight cardigan and asking for ice water.

Before you start to dig into what is actually making the room warm, you need to notice that you are getting warm.

This is at the heart of managing your anger, seeing the signs that you are starting to become angry.

YOUR BEST STRATEGY HERE IS SELF-AWARENESS, AND YOU CAN BUILD THIS SKILL.

Take a second right now and notice where your level of upset is at. What do you notice? Are you pacing? Do you want to move your body? Where is your imagination taking you? Are you annoyed, and maybe don’t know why? If you could yell at one person, who would that be?

Is there any spot on your body that you are noticing? Tight stomach, clenched hands?

This is how you start to see what is happening when you start to get angry, even if you may not know what was upsetting you in the first place.

why do i get so mad at my kids?

One reason why I want you to practice noticing these things is because it takes practice. It is a skill, and trying to put it into practice when you are boiling over and ready to give your kids away to neighbors will not lead you to self-awareness success.

So, let’s assume that you’ve practiced, and you notice it…you are starting to get angry.

Now you can observe why you’re getting angry.

This part is easy. You’ve been bitten by a child, or the trash is still inside when you specifically asked for it to be taken outside, or anything else. Everything else.

But instead of just jumping into anger mode, I want you to slow things down even more, and ask another question: What does (the thing that happened to make you angry) mean to you?

WHAT IS THE OTHER EMOTION THAT ANGER IS ROLLING OVER?

Let’s say that you notice the trash was not taken out, so you got angry.

Why does the trash not getting taken out make you mad? Are you feeling like your partner is not listening to you, so maybe you feel like they don’t care? Are you mad at yourself for not being more responsible, and hate that you let it get so bad? Maybe you’re going down a shame spiral, or feeling like a failure?

These steps are important, because if you don’t know what that first emotion is, it won’t go away. Anger is the smoke.

This means you have to do two things:

1: Kindly thank your anger and tell it to chill out.

2: Come up with a non-aggressive solution to the thing that brought on your anger.

This is why it is essential to determine the first emotion that went and brought anger to your body.

Knowing if you are feeling left out, disappointed, unsupported, powerless, like a failure, will help you to make steps to help yourself feel better, so that anger isn’t needed.

This process is called empathy, and having it for yourself is vital when parenting.

In addition to empathy, we need to have some real strategies to address the anger responses that happen to our bodies. These are probably strategies you’ve heard before, but you won’t really be able to use them effectively until you’ve recognized that you are starting to get angry in the first place.

The interweb has many resources to promote calm and relaxation, so I’ll just give you a few:

Take a break and remove yourself from the anger inducing situation. This might look like telling your kids that you will be back, and going to your room for a few minutes.
Tag out with your partner.
Take three deep breaths.
Vent to a friend.
Do anything that has to do with mindfulness.

All of these things are meant to stop your body from getting overwhelmed with anger.

By doing even just one of these things, you are literally moving blood into the parts of your brain that will help you think instead of react.

YOU ARE GIVING YOUR BODY TIME TO STOP THE ADRENALINE AND THEN CORTISOL THAT DEMAND YOU TAKE DRASTIC ACTION.

You are taking back the control anger was taking away from you.

Then you can move on.

my kids make me so angry

Ah, yes, the children. I almost forgot. We need to talk about the children.

But isn’t that just like anger? It’s so distracting, so enticing and blinding, that we can forget that this all started because of other people, and that those people have needs.

Anger forces you to think about yourself.

Which is great! It has a job to do, to help you out, and to protect you. We have to honor our anger by listening to it, and thinking through why it is there and responding to that “why” with empathy and creativity.

THIS IS SELF CARE, THIS IS THE GAME OF SELF-REGULATION.

We breathe deep, we walk away, take breaks, then we can consider and respond to the children.

Responding well is impossible if you do not first notice, then respond to your own feelings, and calm down.

You will not be able to constructively and effectively deal with the problem that is your kids needs if you are too angry.

You do need to care about their needs, because it is their needs and feelings that are driving their bat shit crazy obnoxious behavior.

When they are pissing you off, it’s because those little gremlins are trying to tell you that they…need…something.

And you have to help them, or they will never, ever, stop.

last thoughts on anger

Getting angry at your children is information that you can use. You are getting angry for a reason, and understanding that reason is the only way to fix it. Your kids are also making you angry for a reason, an emotional one. They need your help to address their emotional issues.

This requires a lot of emotional lifting. And it’s totally optional. If you really do enjoy being and acting out of anger, by all means, skip self-reflection and empathy.

IF IT’S WORKING FOR YOU, AND IF YOU ARE PROUD OF THE WAY YOU ARE ACTING AND TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO ACT, KEEP GOING.

But, if you want a change, try it out. Start paying attention to your feelings. Practice self-awareness. Slow down. Under-react to your kids, and name their feelings after you’ve named your own.

Doing these things will lead not only to more effective parenting and lasting change in your household, but also a better experience of being an adult.

Ashland Family Counseling