Lying, PART TWO: The secret tool parents use to get their kids to stop lying
Welcome to lying part two! In the last post, I talk all about lying: the different kinds of lies our kids tell (there’s about four), why they do it (to avoid bad things), and what you can do to prevent it from happening (no snappy summary here, you’re just going to have to read it).
As I was writing that post, I found that I had a lot of other things to say about how to go forward and the kinds of things that you as a parent can do to build a family culture that discourages lying.
The big idea here is that I want you to stop investigating whether or not your kids told the truth, and instead rely on consequences; natural and otherwise, to reinforce their own drive to succeed and accomplish tasks.
So let’s talk about:
Why confronting lying is unproductive.
How you as a parent should be responding to your kid’s misbehavior.
How to tackle parenting issues when you don’t have all the information.
how to handle kids that are deliberately lying (but you didn’t see what happened)
I have worked with parents that tell me that their kid will lie to their face about things that the parent saw the kid do.
For those parents (as frustrating and mind boggling as that kind of thing is), it’s not very hard to address that kind of behavior. Ignore the lie, address the thing that got lied about, and then start looking at why they thought that lying would be a better option than being honest.
It’s when a parent is removed from the situation that things can feel much trickier to deal with, and bring on all kinds of doubt for parents.
Let’s say that you are aware of something having gone wrong. Maybe you find a mess in the living room, or hear a slap.
A natural step for parents is going to be to investigate. But that can be exactly the step that invites even more confusion and doubt into a parent’s job.
Here’s why: If you are going to rely on what your kids are reporting about the situation, then you are giving them an incredible amount of power to control the outcome of a situation.
Parent: (Hears slap, and crying from the next room), “Did you hit your sister?”
Six Year old: “No.”
Parent: “Well, thank goodness! I’ll just go back to (washing dishes/doing laundry/drinking wine).”
In a situation like that, you’ve got a pretty good idea about what happened, but you still felt the need to ask questions.
That is where the error occurs.
Maybe you were not actually trying to use a question mark in your sentence, but it just came out that way. Or, you really were trying to start a conversation and wanted to allow your kids space to tell the truth.
In either case, you are putting your kids in a position where it makes more sense for them to not tell the truth.
Why would they? You are going to be mad, and I’m going to feel bad, so I’ll just keep my mouth shut and wait this out.
INSTEAD, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. DON’T EVEN MAKE THEIR REBUTTAL AN OPTION. PRESENT THEM WITH THE FACTS THAT YOU HAVE, THEN LET THEM KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HEARD.
(Ben pulls up chair...Hey parent reading this - yes, YOU - I get it. This is really getting to the heart of why responding to lying sucks. You probably weren’t there, and the information you have is spotty, but you want to do something about it, and prevent something bad from happening in the future. Do you remember the first time you held a baby? It also felt weird, but you did it. Or dropped it, I wasn’t there. You could have. But you tried again, and that time, you held on to that baby. Dealing with lying is just like that. You just have to do it, confidently, and later when you are crying by yourself in the closet with a glass of wine, be humble enough to admit that you might have been wrong).
how to trust your kids when they lie
“THIS IS WHERE RESPONSIBILITY COMES IN, AND WHY IT IS YOUR MAGIC ANTIDOTE TO LYING AND DEALING WITH THOSE LIES.”
Trust in your kids. Believe in them, and in their potential. But don’t depend on the words coming out of their mouths when you are dealing with knowing they are lying.
Here is how an investigation into lying should work:
Little Liar comes home from school, and tells you that they don’t have any homework, and in fact their teacher was gone that day. You are skeptical, so you go online to that cool website your school set up to see if there is any news, or text the teacher directly. This is investigating, and it does not involve your kid.
You find that there was in fact homework! You have just been lied to! You must now decide if you are ready to stop investigating and start confronting. You decide this by asking yourself if you need more information about what happened.
You opt for a confrontation, which as I said earlier is about presenting your kids with what you have learned about the truth and what you have already decided you are going to do about it as if they had never uttered their dirty dirty lies in the first place.
You goal is not to get your kid to say, “You’re right, I lied. I do have homework, and I’m never going to lie again ever - here’s $5 and a Mother’s Day card!”
YOUR JOB IS TO LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY DO HAVE HOMEWORK, AND THEN LEAVE.
This is where responsibility comes in, and why it’s your magic antidote to lying and dealing with those lies. Homework (in this example) is their job, and the repercussions of not doing their homework are theirs, and theirs alone.
Not doing homework is a built in consequence machine that you don’t even have to turn on.
Maybe you want to have a conversation about what happens if they don’t do their homework, but really, in this case, ignoring the lie and educating them about what is going to happen is so much less aggravating then sitting down and trying to talk it out with your kid.
If you are going to try and force them to “come clean,” they might - but you also have a good chance of just making things even more uncomfortable (fearful) for them, which may have been the reason they lied in the first place.
how to teach your kid to be responsible
My goal for you is to work smarter, not harder. Don’t try and dispute lies, or have long conversations with your tiny humans about the importance of honesty. Instead of tracking down everybody’s version of the truth about what happened, change the conversation. Start talking about what it means to be responsible. Here is how that conversation could look:
Parent: “Ok Little Liar McLiar Face, let’s talk about the living room. Those are your toys, and they are all over the floor. That’s a problem - its makes it really hard for everyone to be comfortable in here. It’s your job to pick up these toys, every day, and put them in the super cute baskets that I got from Target.”
RESPONSIBILITY INVOLVES GIVING YOUR KIDS AN OBLIGATION TO DO SOMETHING, AND THEN IMPRESSING UPON THEM THE NEED FOR THOSE THINGS TO HAPPEN.
Frame it like it’s their job; their way to contribute to the family’s comfortability and enjoyment, and a real, tangible thing that they can see. I think this is one reason why our kids (most of the time) like to feed our dog. They can literally see him eating the food they provided for him!
But back to the parent speech…
Parent: “If you don’t clean up those toys, they might get broken, or lost, and then you won’t be able to play with them. If that happens, I’m not going to get you another one.”
This is an example of a natural consequence. Just like not getting good grades, this is a part of the system that is already happening. People will walk in that room, things will get lost, and you as the parent don’t have to put any kind of effort into that at all. You are just educating them about it.
Even more parent speeching…
Parent: If, at the end of the day, they aren’t cleaned up, then I’ll do it, and I’ll do it with a garbage bag, and you won’t get your toys for a whole day.
This is a logical consequence, and does require parent involvement. Some things to point out about logical consequences: make sure they are connected to the “what” that you’re talking about.
In this situation, that means toys are the issue, so something happens to the toys. It would not be logical if you took away something that was not about the toys in the living room. That is punishment.
The reasoning behind this subtle shift is that punishment tends to just piss kids off. It may work in the short-term, but it doesn’t feel as natural or logical. It feels petty, and is more about getting your kid to feel bad enough to do whatever you want them to do.
PUNISHMENT IS ABOUT MANIPULATION AND PAIN.
Consequences are also about pain, but not in the same arbitrary way. The fact that it is logically connected to their actions helps it to be acceptable to kids; it makes sense. This type of consequence ultimately helps your relationship stay intact.
Punishment has a much higher chance of building bad blood between you and your kids because it’s more about coming up with new and exciting ways to make them uncomfortable. (‘Cause, baby, now we’ve got bad blood...You know it used to be mad love…)
it doesn’t matter what your kid says
I intentionally left out any input from the kids in my above example, because it doesn’t matter what they say.
You will easily be able to check up on what they do or don’t do. Are the toys put away or not?
If they are, great, you should absolutely point out to them how they contributed to the family. Bonus points if you catch them in the act of actually cleaning up!
If those toys don’t end up in the box, then you have already explained yourself, and they know what is coming.
They may try to lie their way out of it, or blame someone else for why they didn’t get their job done.
BOTH LYING AND BLAMING ARE WAYS FOR THEM TO GET OUT OF FEELING THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS - TO PUT THE RESPONSIBILITY ON OTHERS.
They might not be wrong in their blame! Yes, little sisters don’t always do what they are supposed to do. Mommy was talking to you. Yes, I said that dinner was ready. It was still your job to pick up your toys before you came to the table.
Those things don’t matter when it comes to responsibility. That is the lesson. Whatever story they come up with, true or otherwise, is irrelevant and does not deserve your attention.
fancy conclusion
Here is my grand summary of these two blog posts about lying:
Ignore the lie, and figure out what is going on with your kid that is making lying seem like a good option.
If they have lied about something that they did, and are covering it up, you still need to respond with a logical consequence to what they are covering up as if they hadn’t lied at all.
In addition to the logical consequence, you are also being intentional about providing your kids with responsibilities that they can succeed in, so you can give them a way to contribute positively to the family.
You only have so much attention to give in the day. Let your day be about creating chances for them to show you what they have done, instead of tracking down the truth and following up on all the lying.
Change the conversation, and move things along toward the potential that you know that your child has.
more from the blog…
Hi, I’m Ben! I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri. I specialize in working with kids, families and individuals.
