It’s seems like the conversation about postpartum anxiety and depression for moms has been more open and prevalent in recent years - which is awesome. Let’s talk about Dad’s experience though. Husbands and fathers also experience the effects of the …

There are lots of pressures that dads of young kids face, and much of this pressure comes from the specific situations that many fathers will find themselves in.

This post is about the most common issues that new dads and dads of young kids will experience. I’m going to explain these issues, and then present several strategies that any dad can use to push back against the stress and wonderful obligation that is being a modern father.

It can begin from the very start of your family growing bigger…

perinatal distress is for everyone

You may have heard the terms “postpartum depression” or “baby blues” before (which are two different things, but stick with me).

There’s maybe less of a chance that you have heard of “postpartum anxiety,” but it is exactly what it sounds like: anxiety and severe stress that is associated with the time after birth.

All of these terms are now being lumped into the category of “Perinatal Distress,” “peri” being the prefix that describes the time before and after a “natal” or birth, and distress meaning that things suck real bad.

TRADITIONALLY, WE THINK OF POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AFFECTING MOMS, BUT IT CAN ABSOLUTELY AFFECT DADS TOO.

This is part of the problem that men and dads face: the overall lack of recognition and words to describe the unique experience of being a father.

So, some numbers…

It is estimated that between 8% and 22% of men experience postnatal depression, but little research has been done, and the instruments used are designed for women, not men, and so are not considered to be very reliable. (https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/04/fathers-men-get-posnatal-depression-too)

In one study comparing the recognition of men and women’s postpartum depression, the condition was often missed in men, much more frequently than in women. (https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-depression-fathers-idUSKCN1TB2I9)

A survey in the UK found that men (just like women) were less likely to develop PTSD following birth, but that men also tend to under report their own symptoms, so the smaller rate of occurrence is likely due to lack of hands being raised, not less stress among men. (https://www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/who-is-affected-by-ptsd/post-natal-ptsd-in-men/)

postpartum depression in men or women is not (only) about hormones

A common misconception is that men don’t experience perinatal distress because they don’t have the same hormonal shift that occurs after birth for women.

The implication is that women’s perinatal distress is caused primarily by post-birth hormonal changes.

While physiological changes in new mothers are epic, (and can certainly be a major factor in maternal distress), the common current understanding is that it’s the event itself, the change of life and the transition of the family in general that is the real motivating factor behind the distress.

Pegging everything on hormones minimizes the fact that having a child and being a parent is a monumental life event for everyone involved.

It is an incredible shift, and a shift that everyone must adjust to.

This includes Dads. This is why it is possible to talk about “postpartum” anything as a man’s issue as well as a woman’s.

Dads are affected by becoming a father and continuing to grow their family in very real ways.

common sources of stress for dads

“THIS IS NOT NEW; OUR FATHERS AND GRANDFATHERS TYPICALLY DID NOT PRACTICE THIS KIND OF SELF DISCLOSURE.”

So, how do things change for dads in particular?

This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but there are a few fairly common experiences that are just for Dad:

1. NOT BEING ABLE TO ACTUALLY HELP GROW THE BABY

I remember feeling helpless and kind of like a jackass for much of my wife’s first pregnancy. While she was growing the body parts of a tiny human inside of her own body, I was sitting next to her on the couch. (I did work out that day, so to be fair, I was a little sore).

It can be hard to figure out exactly how you fit into the growth and work that is being done by your wife, and for many guys, being “supportive” is a vague target that pales in comparison to the awesome accomplishments of your wife.

2. NOT SPENDING AS MUCH TIME WITH THE KIDS AFTER THEY ARE BORN

For most (but not all) dads, one of your roles is going to be to make money.

This means for many men that they are working outside of the home, and will thus spend most of the waking hours away from your wife and kids.

This can make it harder in practical ways to build relationships with your family, especially if your wife is home with the kids more than you.

Typically, women are more responsible for the domestic work that goes on (not that they should be, but it still happens frequently), which means that they are the ones running the show at home.

Because of this, many husbands and fathers have the odd experience of having to learn the culture and character of the house and family that they are part of (and started) from their wife and kids.

I get news reports, texts, or phone calls about what is happening at home from my wife. I get updated on who was crying most recently, where they are going for the afternoon, and the fun imaginative games my girls are creating that day.

I am removed, my wife is not, and this can take some getting used to.

3. NEEDING TO BE THE PROVIDER FOR THEM

As with everything, this is not exclusively a “dad” problem, but many dads are expected to bring either all or most of the income into a house.

This income not only represents the ability to sustain the household in that moment, but also in the future as well.

Money is how we take care of the present and the needs that will be here tomorrow. And when you have kids, your tomorrow is going to be very full. Feet tend to grow, as do arms and legs. And stomachs, which means that food will need to be provided in an ever increasing supply.

Let’s not even mention cars and college, which are doubtlessly on the mind of the provider (and all parents) as well.

It’s a lot of pressure. Thinking about money is a great way to get stressed out about the future, and if it is your role to bring in that money, you will have to deal with this stress.

4. WE’RE LACKING A CULTURE OF SHARING

Men do not have a reputation for being emotionally vulnerable or open.

Part of this reputation is earned. There are many reasons for why this happens, why men are not encouraged or expected to talk about things that are hard for them.

For the sake of time, it is enough to say that in our American culture, men typically keep these kinds of things to themselves, even with other men.

This is not new; our fathers and grandfathers typically did not practice this kind of self disclosure.

This means that men are by and large lacking in the kind of examples and skill set that would allow them to ask for help.

Many may not even see what they are experiencing as something that needs to be helped at all.

It’s just easier for dudes to ignore what they are experiencing all together, and it is frequently to their detriment.

IN ANOTHER RELATED CULTURAL NOTE…it is also worth talking about how ready society at large is for men to talk about how hard things are for them, especially when it comes to their experience with birth and raising a family. Case in point…two memes:

my-face-when-my-husband-saysheis-tired-memecenerator-net-my-face-52724253.png

when-you-were-up-all-night-with-the-kids-and-19234899.png

I get where these memes are coming from. The idea is that moms are going through something that is far worse than anything you and your manhood could possibly come close to dealing with, so shut the front door and go make me a sandwich.

I also think that these memes come from a place of real hurt and neglect felt by woman who are dealing with the imbalance that can (and usually does) happen at home.

In other words “I have to do all of this with no help, so shove your complaints, I don’t want to hear them.”

There are two issues with this. First, women and mothers need more tangible support, and should feel so supported that the hurt and neglect that motivates these kinds of memes is not felt anymore.

But also, men and dads should be allowed to be tired, and then communicate that they are tired.

No one is trying to minimize the kind of pain and suffering that women deal with. The goal is for all of these things to happen at the same time, for everyone’s pain and discomfort to be valued and addressed in appropriate ways.

help for new dads that are feeling overwhelmed

“IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE ADDING ANYTHING TO YOUR LIFE IS TOO MUCH, BUT DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF SMALL THINGS.”

Ok, coming off the soap box…let’s talk tactics. The following are three things that men can do to help themselves and start to deal with the whirlwind of Dadhood:

1. ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND TALK ABOUT IT WITH SAFE PEOPLE

The first step is naming it. Dads need to be able to communicate about and see how they are being impacted by their own experiences, and put a label/explanation on it.

You need to be able to say, “I’m not fine, and this is why.”

Once you can do that, say those words out loud to a person that you can be sure won’t be affected by it.

That person might not be your wife.

Here is my reasoning for this: one reason why dads might not want to tell their spouses (at least at first) about how stressed they are is because that spouse might be one of the causes of the stress.

She is the one making the babies after all. But on another level, men want to protect their families, and their instinct is to protect them from their own feelings and worries.

So, find a person that is removed from your family situation, and start with them. This could be a mentor, therapist, pastor, friend, co-worker, sibling, etc. Someone that won’t take the things that you’re talking about personally.

Then, talk to your wife, because she needs to be in on the next point.

2. FIGURE OUT WHAT A SUSTAINABLE CHANGE WOULD BE

What we don’t want is for a really great conversation to happen, with really great ideas, and then no follow up.

This might happen if those great ideas are too grand, and not actually realistic.

Going to the gym 5 times a week is a great idea, but how much of a change would that actually entail? Can the home environment actually make it without Dad for that amount of time?

This is why wives need to be in on this conversation. You (as the dad) are never going to know what she is going to be willing to do for you if you do not let her know that you have some needs.

3. SPEAKING OF GOING TO THE GYM…DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR BODY

Not all internal pain needs “internal” kinds of supports. Working out, for example, does not require words but can be very effective in reducing stress.

Really, any kind of positive hobby or distraction can be helpful. It might seem like adding anything to your life is too much, but don’t underestimate the power of small things.

And now, a special letter for the fellas….

Dear Dads,

Take some time to reflect on how you are being affected by your life.

(That doesn’t mean blaming anyone or complaining, and major changes might not be possible at this point).

You (probably) knew what you were signing up for when you got married. But you are allowed to have a hard time while getting exactly what you wanted.

Life is hard, parenting is difficult, and your work to make those things happen takes its toll.

Allow yourself to take care of you, and to be taken care of by those around you. It may feel odd, but look toward the future. You are going to be needed for a long, long time.

Sincerely,

Your friend Ben