Few things are as frustrating as kids who are being deceptive. It feels just a little bit ickier than aggression or throwing a fit, taking a toy, or getting upset when you say no.

Lying can throw parents off their game, and it can be hard to figure what to do about it.

In this post I’m going to discuss lying and why it happens. Then I’ll give you some direction as to how you should respond to lying from your kids. To end, I’ll show you how to create a family atmosphere where people don’t feel a need to lie at all.

why kids lie to parents

Trying to define lying with kids is actually a bit tricky.

We can say that in its basic form, a lie is something that is not true, but it can quickly get more complicated than that, as not all “untrue” statements create problems.

For example, I don’t consider all of the crazy things that my two year old tells me to be lies.

The kind of lying that is actually a problem for parents is when a child deliberately says false statements in order to achieve a desired goal - which is typically to avoid getting into trouble.

It is a sophisticated kind of behavior, which is why the kids that start doing it are a bit older (but not that much older. I’m talking like 4 and 5 year olds will lie, and do it convincingly) (Bronson & Merryman 2009).

It takes some maturity to pull lying off.

To tell lies, you have to develop the ability to:

A) Understand what is being asked of you, then

B) realize that the truth would not be fun, so you

C) develop another version of reality that you then have to

D) try and sell to whoever the lie is meant for.

THAT REQUIRES AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF INGENUITY, SOCIAL AWARENESS, AND CREATIVITY ALL USED IN COORDINATION WITH EACH OTHER.

Aren’t you proud of them?!?!

This kind of lying requires a strategy, and can feel a bit manipulative, which is not an experience many parents are used to having with their young children.

There are other kinds of lying that look more like what my younger daughter (the two year old) does. She is constantly telling me clearly untrue stories about all the crazy adventures that she has with her baby doll.

She tells me these stories (even though they are not true) because they are important to her. She’s just being two, and has an imagination. When she tells me a story about something that happened a month ago but says “yesterday we…”, that’s not a lie. She’s just wrong.

“White lies” also pop up with young kids, and these present another type of lying.

These statements are lies that are meant to spare others’ feelings, and require a high degree of social sophistication and empathy.

In order to pull this off, the lying individual (similar to the kids that are telling lies to avoid punishment) need to understand that other people are going to be impacted by the truth, so they fabricate an alternate version, then sell it to the person they are trying not to hurt.

Other types of lies aren’t about imaginative play or trying to avoid punishment.

KIDS WILL EVENTUALLY DISCOVER THAT THEIR WORDS HAVE POWER, AND THEY CAN (AND DO) TEST OUT WHAT SAYING THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE WILL ACCOMPLISH.

Think of this behavior as if they have just learned how to throw a ball with accuracy. It’s only natural that they would try and see what they can hit. Sometimes, lying is like that.

what parents can do to stop lying

Let’s talk about the kinds of lies that are not grounded in reality as you and I know it.

With these kinds of surely imaginative and not hurtful or manipulative statements, your job is to accept them, acknowledge that you heard them, and then do not immediately react.

Let’s take my daughter’s fanciful stories about things that surely did not happen.

What do you imagine would happen if I tried to correct her? “No, you clearly did not fly over the house. And I know that you didn’t jump in puddles today. That was last week. Why are you lying to me?”

Super productive, right?

No. I was being sarcastic.

It would be pointless for me to have that conversation with my two year old. And that kind of behavior isn’t really high on my radar anyway. In fact, I’m glad she feels like she can tell me about things that have happened with her, real or not.

Those kinds of “lies” give me a great chance to give quality attention to her, and allow her to practice having easy communication with me, her daddy.

It’s the other kind of lying, the lying to get out of some kind of punishment or consequence, that is more difficult to handle.

One theory around these kinds of lies is that it is actually the parent’s disappointment that kids are trying to avoid.

YOU READ THAT RIGHT - OUR OWN EMOTIONAL REACTION TO THEIR BEHAVIOR COULD BE MOTIVATING THEM TO KEEP THINGS TO THEMSELVES.

Not only that, but if they have come to expect some kind of punishment to happen in addition to your sad/mad face, they’ve got a pretty compelling reason to keep quiet, or tell you a story that can make all of that negativity go away.

As uncomfortable as that might be to hear, it presents a way to cultivate truth telling in our kids.

When you show them that they will not only not be in (too much) trouble for whatever they did wrong, and you can tell them that you’ll be happier if they tell the truth, studies show that it reduces lying significantly (Bronson & Merryman 2009).

This means telling your kids (and showing them) that you are happy that they told you the truth, even when they have done something that you don’t like.

As parents, we need to make telling the truth less painful than the lying, and make it clear that this is the better option with a more desirable outcome.

A quick note about white lies: It’s easy for you and me to have a conversation about the different kinds of lies, but let’s not assume that kids can tell the difference. If they see you saying something untrue about something trivial, like laundry (which actually, bad example, laundry is never trivial), they will learn that making a statement that does not reflect reality is ok. That is not the lesson we want them to learn.

how to discipline a child for lying

The big idea with responding to the lie is to try and take as much power from it as possible.

A fantastic way to do that something that parenting expert Bryan Post has talked about: ignoring the lie, not the child. https://postinstitute.com/how-to-end-lying-the-cliff-notes-version-by-bryan-post/

Ignoring the lie means that you aren’t going to be forced into the kind of reaction that the lie is intended to make you have.

Lies, especially the lies our kids tell to get out of trouble, are intended to take control away from you and put it into the hands of the person attempting to avoid something bad happening to them.

Also take note, that “ignoring” does not mean “pretend it does not exist.” You still need to recognize that you are being lied to.

Instead of getting angry at the lie and then confronting them about that lie and whatever they did that they are lying about, you are going to start asking yourself this question: what is going on with my kid that would make lying such an attractive option?

Bryan Post would suggest that fear has everything to do with lying, and the research I’ve been referencing in this post would seem to agree.

So, the next question is: what are they afraid of? Could it be your own potential reaction as their parent that is driving this kind of behavior?

If not only fear, then what else?

For kids that are testing out what lies can do (and as they grow older and get into more complicated social situations), lying might be about gaining control, impressing friends, or keeping friends and maintaining relationships (Bronson & Merryman 2009).

LET THE LYING BE A SIGN TO YOU THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON WITH YOUR KID, AND THEN RESPOND TO THAT DEEPER NEED THEY ARE FEELING.

Don’t get caught up the smoke that is the lie, but dive deeper in an empathetic way.

Once you have a better idea of what is motivating that lie, by all means, talk about what they did, or enforce some kind of logical consequence. But don’t miss the chance to understand your kid, and to reduce their own fear of the truth by allowing them to feel connected to you.

how to parent going forward

I’ve created a part two to this blog, with more ways to reduce lying in your home by creating accountability for your kids around their responsibilities. Here are some additional points I want you to keep in mind before you move on to part two: the secret tool parents use to get their kids to stop lying:

Confront lies infrequently, and only with a pretty solid understanding of what happened without your kid’s input. (I talk about this lots more in part two!)

To say it another way, stop listening to your kids explain themselves. We’re ignoring the lie, remember? That might mean that we also have to ignore our kid’s attempts to defend that lie.

That might feel weird, to not give you kids a chance to share what happened from their point of view.

This is why I only want you to do this rarely, and only with a very good reason to ignore them (and good information about what happened).

• Don’t put them in situations where all they have to do is say the right words. Because then, all they will do is try and figure out the right words to say. If you are not prepared to do what you think is best, regardless of the words that are coming out of your kid’s mouth, then don’t start that conversation in the first place.

• Help them to save face. Work with your little liar to find an explanation for their actions, while still holding them accountable for those actions. If you can make some guesses, like “you were frustrated,” that will feel much differently to your kid than “I’m a bad kid that no one will ever want to hang out with,” which might be the narrative in their heads.

• Especially when they are young, try and limit the amount of time they have to do something that you don’t know about. This is one reason why I love our house. I can hear anything from almost anywhere. I still believe in their privacy, but there is something to be said about having few barriers between you and your little liars.

• Don’t lie. I’m talking to you, the parent. Not even tiny ones. They are paying attention, and will learn from you. Let the focus and the value for your family be on honest, open communication.

LYING WILL ONLY PERSIST IF IT IS USEFUL.

If you can create an environment of close, trusting relationships that can handle the truth, if you can diminish the pain of telling that truth, and create a culture of honesty and kindness, lying will have no place in your home, or in your child’s skill set.

References:

Bronson, P., & Merryman, A. (2009). NurtureShock: New thinking about children. New York, NY: Twelve.

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Hi, I’m Ben! I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri. I specialize in working with kids, families and individuals.

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