The two questions your kids are asking every day

November 22, 2019 Benjamin Wall

Kids are not that complicated.

They are busy, imaginative, and demanding, but not a huge mystery.

There are really two things that kids are asking each day, two needs that they are exploring and trying to figure out, two impulses that can summarize the bulk of what is going on inside of them.

I’m going to use this article to explain what those two things are, and then show you how you can help them meet those needs without working yourself to the bone.

By understanding what your kids need, you can be effective and also efficient in how you help them.

the first question

The first question that you kid is asking is:

“Am I going to be ok?”

There are other variations of this question, and other words used, but the idea is the same.

They want to know if they are going to be provided for. Your kids want to know if they are going to be taken care of, if they are going to have their real needs met.

By real needs, I’m trying to draw a line between what they feel they want and may ask for (like extra juice boxes and a PlayStation) and what they truly need.

THOSE NEEDS ARE IMPORTANT AND MUST BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BUT FOOD, SHELTER, CONNECTION, AND GENERAL SAFETY IN RELATIONSHIPS ARE A BIT MORE PRESSING.

Safety is another fantastic word to use to talk about this first need, this first question that your kids are wondering about all the time – “Am I going to be safe?”

Now, when it comes to juice boxes and video games, it’s really a sub question – “Am I going to be responded to?

“Am I and my felt needs going to be taken seriously?” But (in my opinion), the larger question, the larger need that they are feeling is about being ok, safe, and taken care of.

Lots of things will go into how they answer that question, and there are lots of things that your kid will look at to determine how “ok” they think they are going to be.

Think about it like data that they are gathering. The more information they get, the more solid their answer is going to be.

Kids not only want to know if they are going to get food, they also want to know if they are going to get attention. They want a place to sleep, and a person to see that they are actually going to be sleeping.

Their experience of those things is what I’m talking about when I say data; they are taking notes on all of it.

the second question

The second question that kids are asking is:

“What happens when I do [this]?”

When I write “this,” it might as well be a blank space, because your kids are going to be doing all kinds of things to fill it.

They are constantly figuring out their own abilities, and actions, and what happens when they do things. Many kinds of things, starting with what they can do with their body. In a matter of months, babies grow from vacant expressions and not rolling over to pulling on your pant leg while grinning in your face.

It is almost unfortunate that the growth that happens in the first years of life is so routine, because it is also miraculous.

A creature that had not even been more than an idea several months before will gain mastery over their own bodies as they practice their autonomy and independence.

It is truly astounding to watch.

As they grow, crawlers and younger kids will work with blocks and crayons and see how their own hands impact the world around them. They discover what happens when they drop things, and the fact that things don’t stop existing when they can’t see them.

As they age, they also start impacting people, and begin to understand that the other humans in their lives can also be made to do things. And just like balls they roll on the ground, they start to test and experiment with relationships.

They are scientists, and conduct and repeat experiments to make sure they get the rules right, figuring out what happens and gaining mastery over the results.

They discover that so many of the things that they can do, like making noises, crawling, then walking, then hitting, and screaming, all get the people around them to do different things.

My 10 month old is doing this wonderfully at meal time. She has mastered the art of the cringing scream that sends me frantically searching for new foods to put on her tray.

This is actually an example of the connecting of several different points of understanding; she has always known to cry when hungry (like, from the first hours of her life), but now can sense her own sensations with more control, and has learned to communicate that observation to me, and has learned that I’ll do something to help.

She can see things that she knows will help her feel better, and deploys her tried and true strategy of getting me to do something about it.

We did not teach her to cry, we only responded, and taught her what would result from that cry.

You would think (like I do, every day), that sooner or later she would stop the continual cringing crying and just make one small noise instead, and trust that I’ll figure it out and get her what she wants. And you would be right, but it will take years. My 5 and 3 year old girls are only whining a little bit when they want a banana, so - progress!

Even for them, the base process, the question of wondering what happens when they do things does not go away.

AS THEY HAVE GROWN, THEIR RELATIONSHIPS HAVE GOTTEN MORE COMPLICATED, NOT LESS, AND THEY ARE CONTINUALLY GROWING AND LEARNING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THOSE SITUATIONS AS WELL.

They see what happens when mom or dad gets upset, and that they had something to do with that.

As they learn that their actions and even their words impact people, they will start to be more responsible for maintaining the quality of their relationships.

This is a more advanced skill, to go from not just worrying about safety and getting food and toys, but also enjoyment from the people (specifically, Colleen and myself) around them.

how to respond to question 1

The best and easiest way to convince your kids that they are going to be taken care is to take care of them.

Provide for them the basic needs, like food, clothes, shelter, make sure there is food in the bowl. Put them outside before you leave the house or they’ll pee on the floor.

Wait…that’s something else…hmmmm……

Beyond the basics, in order to convince your kids that you will be present and attend to their emotional needs, you must be consistent and predictable, and emotionally available and attuned to them.

When I say consistent and predictable, I could also say reliable and trustworthy.

This does not mean always present in the house at a moment’s notice (though I could argue that for babies, this is what is needed). As they grow, however, it has more to do with their general expectations about your availability being followed through on.

If you say that you are going to do something with them or for them, then it needs to happen or at least be acknowledged if it is not going to happen.

This is not only true for individuals, but also for the general tone and atmosphere of your house.

CHAOS IN THE HOUSE IS ONLY GOING TO HELP YOUR KID WONDER ABOUT THEIR NEEDS GETTING MET.

I don’t mean chaos like “things are noisy.” I mean is there a general schedule? Do meals happen on a time frame, and who provides them? When is bedtime, and who enforces it?

When your kids (as they will, daily), ask “am I going to be ok?” we want them to have a pretty strong, “yes” in response.

We, as parents, need need to be trustworthy and responsive. This doesn’t mean you won’t have boundaries. Giving them a “yes” to question one does not mean that you need to say yes every time they ask you for anything. That will actually help them. They need to know that you are in charge, which means that they are not the ones ultimately responsible for what happens in the house.

It can feel counter intuitive, but giving them everything they ask for will not help them feel more secure.

how to help their actions (and answer number 2)

The answer to the first question, “What happens when I do [this]?”, will vary. “Yes or No” is too simple when we are talking about all the experiments and tests that your tiny scientists are running, every minute of the day.

Instead, we are going to do our best to guide their results, and to teach them how they can use their actions for the best possible outcomes for everyone in the home. Here is how this works…

Your first job is the create safety for your kid to explore in. We want them to have boundaries for them to learn on their own, which means that we will eliminate lots of negative results right off the bat.

We don’t want them to learn what happens when they play with knives. So we keep the knives out of reach.

Then, we back off (a little bit) and let natural consequences work their glorious magic. “Natural Consequences” is a term that describes the idea that when your kids take actions, they are going to generate results, and if those results are unpleasant, they will learn from that experience.

Not doing homework is a classic example. If they don’t, they will get poor grades. You don’t have to do anything about it.

When babies find those little boing-ey door stop things, the consequence of pulling them is a fantastic noise.

When they do that 5,000 times, they also notice that mommy gets annoyed. Another natural consequence.

Aren’t they smart?

The error that parents make is that they assume that when they get angry, it works as a negative consequence for their kids. Most of the time, it is quite the opposite.

FOR KIDS, FIGURING OUT A WAY TO GET SUCH A BIG REACTION OUT OF THEIR PARENTS IS ACTUALLY A HUGE THRILL.

Think about it from their point of view: You are a kid, and you live in a world in which there are the two giant demigods that can do anything.

They can pick you up, and then pick up other heavy stuff like couches, and they can literally make food happen out of thin air, all you have to do is ask!

How insane is it that you can get those people to start yelling (really loudly!) and paying attention to you by doing thing something that you thought was pretty fun in the first place?

Pure madness!

The point is that we want to give power to the behaviors that we want them to keep using.

We also want to model the appropriate actions that we want them to pick up on. They will look to you to see what happens with you do things, and they will start to copy you.

conclusion

So that’s it. Kids.

These are two questions that you kids will be asking on a daily basis.

For most of your kids, behavior issues that you may be having with them will result from how your kids are answering those questions. Which means that you now get to ask yourself two more questions:

1) How are you responding to your kid’s needs?

2) What are you teaching them by your responses to their actions?

Don’t miss this: These are very hard questions, and require honesty and self-reflection. It takes courage to ask if you are doing what you want to be doing as a parent. You might not be helping as much as you thought…but that’s ok. You’re human. And a parent.

Ask for help. Get support. And go boldly.

Ashland Family Counseling